phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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