dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize