I think my fart just growled at me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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