the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
