i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
