I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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