I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
