she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
