Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
