I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just invented taco cereal.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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