when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
