he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
