he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
