Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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