I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
