dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
