i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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