I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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