I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
