The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
