I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
