Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I intend to get homeless drunk
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
