Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
