i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
