If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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