If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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