I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
