a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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