If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
be right there i have to get my cape
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
