The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
