woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
