Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
