You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
