The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
