totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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