the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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