It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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