I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
