My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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