Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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