last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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