Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
