It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
