i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
