So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
