if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
