who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's rum buckets o'clock
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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