; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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