Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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