ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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