can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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