Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
