Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
