It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
