she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize