i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
