You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
