i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
